Build up

Everything has been building up lately and I have just been hiding away from everybody, I can't pretend anymore, I can't take this anymore.

When I say that I've been hiding away, I literally mean that I have spent most of my day sat in the toilets at school where no one can find me. At home its harder because I have to put an act on for my family who don't know whats going on.

I have been to see a few people last week to talk about my anxiety (school support worker, school nurse and my doctor) because I just know that if I don't do something then I am going to fail my A levels and if that happens I will give up.

Last year I was getting really bad panic attacks and I was fainting at school as we were approaching exams, my depression really kicked in then and over exam period was when I attempted to end my life. My drama exam went really really badly and I didn't know what to do with myself, my emotions were in overdrive and my brain seemed to be racing at a million miles an hour so I spent about 3 hours writing a suicide note before going downstairs and taking a load of pills. I don't know how many I actually took because my mum walked into the kitchen as I was doing it because she heard me drop the box. Thankfully she didn't figure out what I was trying to do she just saw me standing in the kitchen, sobbing uncontrollably. My mum and dad both tried to console me and I pretended that I was okay, put the box of medicine away saying that I just needed a headache tablet and went up to my room, put some loud music on and fell asleep on my bed with my suicide note next to me. I never expected to wake up, but I did and I threw up. A lot.

Sorry for the overload of emotional babble, I just really needed to write that down to get it off my chest. I haven't ever told anyone all those details before but Megan and Jamie both know that I have attempted suicide.