Failure

I have failed my theory test 3 times already because of my crappy anxiety. When I'm sat in that room all I can see is that little clock on the corner of the screen ticking away and It's like all the walls are closing in on me and I can feel everyone in the room staring at me, my vision goes blurry and I get really lightheaded until I feel like I'm going to faint so I click end the test and get out of the room as fast as I can. When I collect the results I know that I've failed before I've even read it.

On the day of my third theory test, I was a wreck. I had a massive panic attack in my drama lesson and had to go to the medical room. Before this nobody knew that I had panic attacks and this could have been my chance to tell school so that it would be on my record but stupidly, I told them that it was my first panic attack. Straight after my panic attack, my mum took me to my theory test and I went in there shaking. When I got to the room, Tigger was there (the guy I really like) which freaked me out even more because he had been in the lesson when I had a panic attack and he was the one who told me it was okay to leave. So I managed to get through the test without passing out, I picked up my results and went outside to find my mum, talking to Tigger!!!!!!

And now everyone keeps pressuring me to re-book the test but they don't understand how terrifying it is to me, It's not that I'm scared of failing because I know that I can re-take it as many times as I want I'm just terrified of going into that room, I'm starting to get anxious just thinking about it now.

Dropping out of school?

I'm thinking about dropping out of school.

My Dad mentioned it as a possibility tonight and I just instantly thought YES! My only downside is that I have just spent 1 and a half years doing my A levels and if I give up now then it would all be for nothing, all the anxiety, all the stress, for nothing. I don't really know how I would feel about that because right now, I want nothing more than to be done with school and all the stress that comes along with it. But then if I drop out of school will I just give up on going to uni altogether and do nothing with my life? Oh I don't know what to do with my life it's so hard to know what the right decision is when i'm confused and struggling with mental health issues, I mean it's haard to know anyway but with my anxiety and depression constantly telling me to never leave my bedroom, making rational decisions is very hard.

Telling my teachers?

My sister's boyfriend's mum came over today to chat with my mum and when I told her that I wasn't at school because I'd been having panic attacks, she told me that her oldest son (who is in my year) was going through the same thing. When she told me everything that he's been going through for the past year, it was the EXACT same as me. He's had anxiety, panic attacks, exam stress and depression (I didn't say that I was also suffering from depression because my mum doesn't know) but anyway, she told me that he found it really helpful to tell all of his teachers what he's going through because they are a bit more lenient with him and give him extra support as well as letting him leave his lessons if he needs to. I think that doing that might really help me, I don't know, I'll think about it. It kind of scares me when people know what i'm going through, I don't know why.

My panic attacks today have made me scared to go to school tomorrow in case it happens again, what if this becomes a regular thing for me? part of my everyday routine. When i'm in lessons, everything just completely goes over my head because all I can think is 'Don't panic, Don't panic, Don't panic!' It's horrible, then I feel like everybody judges me for not being able to keep up, so I don't say anything. Then I get set homework and i'm too embarrassed to ask for help so I end up not doing it and getting into trouble which makes me anxious to go to the lessons because I know that i'm going to be in trouble for not doing the homework that I couldn't do because I couldn't concentrate in the lesson. So I keep skipping lessons so that I don't end up having a panic attack in the class but i' too scared to go to thee next lesson because my teachers will ask me where I was last time and I can hardly say that I was hiding in the toilets, crying and trying desperately not to have a panic attack because they don't know that I'm having panic attacks!

Basically what i'm thinking is that I should tell my teachers that I'm having panic attacks and struggling to keep up with the work because of my anxiety.

Sweater Weather

I feel like I've only written sad, depressing posts so I wanted to think about something positive that makes me happy. Autumn! I LOVE Autumn, everything about it just makes me happy.

This Autumn I have really been loving big, comfy jumpers with leggings and bed socks to make me feel all cozy and warm. I have also been obsessed with candles and fires, especially delicious smelling candles that I light while I curl up to read. Obviously I have been drinking an obscene amount of coffee because I'm addicted, literally, I get angry and big headaches when I don't have enough coffee, it's not fun.

Films

I've been watching a lot of films lately, mainly just so I can ave an excuse to cry but these are some of the films I've watched over the past few weeks:

• The Bridget Jones Diarys (1+2)
• Clueless
• The Notebook
• The Time Traveller's Wife
• Endless Love
• P.S. I Love You
• Dear John
• LOL
• The Last Song
• The Fault in our Stars
• The Hunger Games
• The Vampire Academy
• Divergent
• The Lion King
• The Little Mermaid
• Frozen

A little trip to Meadowhall

I went to Meadowhall the other day with my mum an sister and bought a few things but forgot about them until now, this is what I bought:

I need a job

I really need a job now that I've been fired, did I tell you about that?

My boss was a massive pervert who was always asking me awkward questions like how many people I'd slept with and asking for intimate details of my sexual experiences (not that I have many). He made me feel really uncomfortable as well as refusing to pay me for my first shift (9 hours!) because he was calling it a 'trial shift' even though he didn't tell me that before the shift. He then fired me because I was ill on one of the days when I was supposed to work, he makes me really angry and I want to smash his windows now. Gggrrrrrr.

Powerless

I had a series of panic attacks at school today, I don't know how many I actually had it just seemed to go on forever. My mum came to pick me up because I tried going to my drama lesson but I couldn't stay so there was no point in me staying in school all day sat in the medical room have panic attack after panic attack. The lady in medical tried telling me that I was in control and that it had no power over me but that's not true, I can't control it. 

My Goals for the week

I want to start setting goals for myself to give me some direction, something to focus on.

This week I want to try to:

• Go to all of my lessons
• Not hide in the toilets (that's going to be a hard one)
• Drink lots of water (I get a lot of headaches)

I don't know if I will manage to do them all but even if I only manage to complete one of my goals then I will be proud of myself.

Build up

Everything has been building up lately and I have just been hiding away from everybody, I can't pretend anymore, I can't take this anymore.

When I say that I've been hiding away, I literally mean that I have spent most of my day sat in the toilets at school where no one can find me. At home its harder because I have to put an act on for my family who don't know whats going on.

I have been to see a few people last week to talk about my anxiety (school support worker, school nurse and my doctor) because I just know that if I don't do something then I am going to fail my A levels and if that happens I will give up.

Last year I was getting really bad panic attacks and I was fainting at school as we were approaching exams, my depression really kicked in then and over exam period was when I attempted to end my life. My drama exam went really really badly and I didn't know what to do with myself, my emotions were in overdrive and my brain seemed to be racing at a million miles an hour so I spent about 3 hours writing a suicide note before going downstairs and taking a load of pills. I don't know how many I actually took because my mum walked into the kitchen as I was doing it because she heard me drop the box. Thankfully she didn't figure out what I was trying to do she just saw me standing in the kitchen, sobbing uncontrollably. My mum and dad both tried to console me and I pretended that I was okay, put the box of medicine away saying that I just needed a headache tablet and went up to my room, put some loud music on and fell asleep on my bed with my suicide note next to me. I never expected to wake up, but I did and I threw up. A lot.

Sorry for the overload of emotional babble, I just really needed to write that down to get it off my chest. I haven't ever told anyone all those details before but Megan and Jamie both know that I have attempted suicide.

I don't want to go back to school

I don't want to go back to school. I don't think that I will get my A levels and even if I somehow manage to get ok grades, it won't be enough for me to go to uni so I will have to do a foundation degree at either college or uni before starting my uni course and I know that if I have to go to college I will give up, it would be such a massive set back for me.

School's shit now anyway I'm falling behind because i'm not really there, in person I turn up and I do everything I have to do but i'm not taking anything in I feel like i'm on autopilot all the time, just floating through life and not feeling anything.

Meeting up with Megan and Josh

I think I'm meeting up with Megan and Josh today but I don't really know if I can be bothered, my parents are coming home from Scotland today so I need to do the ironing my mum asked me to do and have a bit of a clean.

Forever alone

I'm never going to get a boyfriend. Ever.

It's not like I don't try, I spend over an hour every morning trying desperately to make myself look even half decent and I flirt with boys it's not like I'm a hermit that shies away from all males or anything, I just don't seem to appeal to them.

There is one guy that I really really like called Tigger (I don't know why people call him that I think it was from Primary School) and he's in my Drama class. He's got blond hair and amazing blue eyes that make me feel like I'm going to melt when he looks at me. The only problem is that he is waaaaay out of my league, like a million miles out of my league. I don't think anyone would ever see me in that way.

Halloween

Let me just start off by saying that Halloween is, by far, my favourite day of the year.

This year I didn't really do much, the plan was for me and Megan to have a girly night in because we've both been feeling a bit crap lately and we just couldn't be bothered to go out or anything. Then plans changed because a girl called Christabel kind of invited herself over, I don't really know her very well, she's in the year below us and she got really drunk. I don't know why but I just found it really annoying. I think because I was looking forward to chilling with Megan and watching girly movies and Christabel had to come and ruin it all. We all went to small pub because they had free pizza (which we had to queue for an hour for) and it wasn't even good pizza.

Tonight I went to a bonfire in another village because Megan asked me to go so that she wouldn't feel awkward hanging out with the guy she's seeing and his family. She texted this guy who is like her best friend and that I've met twice before and told him to come over to mine so that he could give me a lift to the bonfire but he came 2 hours early so we had to hang out at my house. There is nothing wrong with him and we had a nice chat but I was really looking forward to having some chill time and I wanted to have a shower before going out anyway but I couldn't really do that with him there. It was a nice night but I only went for Megan, it wasn't my kind of thing.

Who am I?

Hi,

My name is Jess and I am 17 yrs old, I am in sixth form doing my A levels at the moment (Drama and Psychology).

Life is not going well for me, I am suffering from anxiety disorder, panic attacks and depression. I'm not telling you this because I want you to feel sorry for me because that would be my worst nightmare, I hate it when people feel sorry for me because it makes me feel weak and useless. I am just telling you because it will explain a lot when you're reading my posts.

Because of my anxiety, I seem to have some trust issues. I only trust one person completely at the moment and that's my friend Megan, she is the only person I can talk to about everything because my parents don't know anything which is really exhausting having to pretend that everything is okay and that I am happy all the time when I'm not.

So that's me.