Failure

I have failed my theory test 3 times already because of my crappy anxiety. When I'm sat in that room all I can see is that little clock on the corner of the screen ticking away and It's like all the walls are closing in on me and I can feel everyone in the room staring at me, my vision goes blurry and I get really lightheaded until I feel like I'm going to faint so I click end the test and get out of the room as fast as I can. When I collect the results I know that I've failed before I've even read it.

On the day of my third theory test, I was a wreck. I had a massive panic attack in my drama lesson and had to go to the medical room. Before this nobody knew that I had panic attacks and this could have been my chance to tell school so that it would be on my record but stupidly, I told them that it was my first panic attack. Straight after my panic attack, my mum took me to my theory test and I went in there shaking. When I got to the room, Tigger was there (the guy I really like) which freaked me out even more because he had been in the lesson when I had a panic attack and he was the one who told me it was okay to leave. So I managed to get through the test without passing out, I picked up my results and went outside to find my mum, talking to Tigger!!!!!!

And now everyone keeps pressuring me to re-book the test but they don't understand how terrifying it is to me, It's not that I'm scared of failing because I know that I can re-take it as many times as I want I'm just terrified of going into that room, I'm starting to get anxious just thinking about it now.

Dropping out of school?

I'm thinking about dropping out of school.

My Dad mentioned it as a possibility tonight and I just instantly thought YES! My only downside is that I have just spent 1 and a half years doing my A levels and if I give up now then it would all be for nothing, all the anxiety, all the stress, for nothing. I don't really know how I would feel about that because right now, I want nothing more than to be done with school and all the stress that comes along with it. But then if I drop out of school will I just give up on going to uni altogether and do nothing with my life? Oh I don't know what to do with my life it's so hard to know what the right decision is when i'm confused and struggling with mental health issues, I mean it's haard to know anyway but with my anxiety and depression constantly telling me to never leave my bedroom, making rational decisions is very hard.

Telling my teachers?

My sister's boyfriend's mum came over today to chat with my mum and when I told her that I wasn't at school because I'd been having panic attacks, she told me that her oldest son (who is in my year) was going through the same thing. When she told me everything that he's been going through for the past year, it was the EXACT same as me. He's had anxiety, panic attacks, exam stress and depression (I didn't say that I was also suffering from depression because my mum doesn't know) but anyway, she told me that he found it really helpful to tell all of his teachers what he's going through because they are a bit more lenient with him and give him extra support as well as letting him leave his lessons if he needs to. I think that doing that might really help me, I don't know, I'll think about it. It kind of scares me when people know what i'm going through, I don't know why.

My panic attacks today have made me scared to go to school tomorrow in case it happens again, what if this becomes a regular thing for me? part of my everyday routine. When i'm in lessons, everything just completely goes over my head because all I can think is 'Don't panic, Don't panic, Don't panic!' It's horrible, then I feel like everybody judges me for not being able to keep up, so I don't say anything. Then I get set homework and i'm too embarrassed to ask for help so I end up not doing it and getting into trouble which makes me anxious to go to the lessons because I know that i'm going to be in trouble for not doing the homework that I couldn't do because I couldn't concentrate in the lesson. So I keep skipping lessons so that I don't end up having a panic attack in the class but i' too scared to go to thee next lesson because my teachers will ask me where I was last time and I can hardly say that I was hiding in the toilets, crying and trying desperately not to have a panic attack because they don't know that I'm having panic attacks!

Basically what i'm thinking is that I should tell my teachers that I'm having panic attacks and struggling to keep up with the work because of my anxiety.

Sweater Weather

I feel like I've only written sad, depressing posts so I wanted to think about something positive that makes me happy. Autumn! I LOVE Autumn, everything about it just makes me happy.

This Autumn I have really been loving big, comfy jumpers with leggings and bed socks to make me feel all cozy and warm. I have also been obsessed with candles and fires, especially delicious smelling candles that I light while I curl up to read. Obviously I have been drinking an obscene amount of coffee because I'm addicted, literally, I get angry and big headaches when I don't have enough coffee, it's not fun.

Films

I've been watching a lot of films lately, mainly just so I can ave an excuse to cry but these are some of the films I've watched over the past few weeks:

• The Bridget Jones Diarys (1+2)
• Clueless
• The Notebook
• The Time Traveller's Wife
• Endless Love
• P.S. I Love You
• Dear John
• LOL
• The Last Song
• The Fault in our Stars
• The Hunger Games
• The Vampire Academy
• Divergent
• The Lion King
• The Little Mermaid
• Frozen

A little trip to Meadowhall

I went to Meadowhall the other day with my mum an sister and bought a few things but forgot about them until now, this is what I bought:

I need a job

I really need a job now that I've been fired, did I tell you about that?

My boss was a massive pervert who was always asking me awkward questions like how many people I'd slept with and asking for intimate details of my sexual experiences (not that I have many). He made me feel really uncomfortable as well as refusing to pay me for my first shift (9 hours!) because he was calling it a 'trial shift' even though he didn't tell me that before the shift. He then fired me because I was ill on one of the days when I was supposed to work, he makes me really angry and I want to smash his windows now. Gggrrrrrr.